Congratulations, Amy!

Congratulations Amy!

My cousin recently passed her driver’s test and is now fully licensed. In honor of her success, I offer the following:

Amy, now that you’re licenced to motor, I have a few of my favorite, hard-learned (yes, sadly, all from experience) tips for you. In no particular order (ahem) . . .

1. It’s not usually a good idea to pass tanker trucks . . .
. . . on a two-lane country road
. . . in a no-passing zone
. . . on a curve
. . . when your dad told you not to take your car to school.

2. Those giant concrete planters that you often see in cities, larger towns, on campuses, etc.? Yeah, they tip over and break when you back into them hard enough.

3. If you happen to back over your boyfriend’s aunt’s mailbox, it’s generally a good idea to pull the car off the road, turn off the ignition, and close the door before carrying the broken mailbox, post, and tread-marked mail up the driveway.

4. Always—and this is important—open the garage door before backing out of the garage.

5. When taking a long road-trip with friends, letting your cat ride on the dashboard is . . . complicated (right, Lucy?).

6. When you get pulled over, remember to pull off to the right (not across traffic to the left).

7. Doing 75 in a 25 is rarely a negotiable ticket.

8. If you are ever caught speeding in Michigan with an out-of-state license, be sure to have the cash handy to cover the fine; otherwise, they will take your license on the spot.

9. Sometimes, “Honestly officer: I didn’t realize I was going that fast! It’s just such a beautiful day, and I had good tunes on the radio . . .” actually works.

10. If you happen to find that you’ve managed to place you car on the top of a rather large snow drift (i.e. you need climbing gear to get to your vehicle), a couple of evergreen branches under the tires and the help of a couple of cute frat boys usually does the trick.

11. 7:1 is probably not the best bumper to car ratio (over a three year period).

12. It is unusual, and not particularly recommended, to transport friends in the trunk. Especially tall and/or large friends.

13. Be sure you know how to change the tire: should you ever, say, slide sideways through a field or grassy embankment, it is nice to be able to refuse help from the creepy guy who offers.

14. If after #30 you lose count of how many times you have been pulled over, you might want to rethink your strategy.

15. If you happen to get lost in the general region east of L.A. and the cop you ask for directions laughs at you, find a trucker (again: right, Lucy?).

16. On down the road, when you go on your first outing with your fiance’s mother, you can be sure that backing into another car will make an impression.

17. Rain-X is cool.

18. Should you find it absolutely necessary to, ahem, communicate with another driver in another vehicle, be sure that he or she is not a police officer . . . or sheriff.

19. If you are running late and have to move your roommate’s and/or friend’s car because she a) can’t or b) is being generally uncooperative, try very hard not to lock her keys in her vehicle . . .
. . . while it’s running
. . . and in the middle of the street
. . . accidentally on purpose
. . . at 7 a.m. on a Saturday.

20. If you happen to back someone’s bright red, vintage 1979 Firebird Trans-Am into a pine tree, the best thing to say is “I’m so, so sorry” NOT “See? I told you that you need to cut down that tree!” Contrite is best. Especially if *someone* happens to be your mother.

22. While drag racing off a traffic light in downtown Pittsburgh can be a great way to meet friends, it is generally discouraged.

23. It is great fun to confuse the cop who pulls you over by insisting that you know him from somewhere . . . where could it be? (Bonus tip: be sure he doesn’t know you from a previous traffic stop).

24. It can be a tad awkward when the cop who pulls you over—and who pulled you over last week . . . and about three weeks before that—is a good friend of your mother’s . . . but it is VERY funny when he tells you that you drive like your mother!

25. And finally, remember this rule: “those entering a traffic circle must yield to those already in the traffic circle” AND that this rule does not apply, it seems, to Carmichaels, PA.


Be safe, drive smart, drive defensively, and remember this mantra:

I’m a good driver. I’m a good driver. I’m a good driver.

"Without gerunds, your nightmare would've just recurred."

Lucy (a.k.a. my very own amor socraticus--or, in the incredibly annoying contemporary vernacular, my BFF), who works for the New York Times, sent me this link, and it is just too enjoyable not to pass along for those of you, like me, for whom language is religion.

Little aside: religion though it may be, I would not consider myself blindly devout in my worship and am reminded here of Frost's observation, "You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country." Just sayin' is all.

From the blue semicolon dude to the comments posted by readers (I took the name for this post from my particular favorite), what you will find here is about as enjoyable as a hot, hot, hot Venti, non-fat, sugar-free caramel latte on a cold, cold, COLD Wisconsin morning. Enjoy!


http://gawker.com/358157/nyt-makes-comma-error-inside-semicolon-article